Ambition assessment 2008
Each time a new year begins, everyone automatically thinks that they can change their life with New Year’s resolutions. These resolutions are feeble attempts to generally better one’s life by doing this or that. Usually everyone fucks up and just goes back to their hedonistic lifestyle. Here’s some popular resolutions in which you will not be finding success.
1) Quit Smoking.
So, you want to quit smoking? Why? It’s great! It gets you by day-to-day, relieves stress, and most importantly, it looks cool. Maybe you think you should quit, because it’s unattractive? Well, perhaps I can relate. One time I was totally seeing this hot chick for a week or two, but it ended abruptly due to my smoking. It wasn’t the fact that she wasn’t a smoker, or that she didn’t like it either. No, it was because the last time I slept with her, I ran out of breath. It really turned her off, and she dropped me like New Year’s resolution. It’s not that I ran out of breath everytime, either. I just had a heavy night of drinking and smoking the night before.
Maybe you are worried about your health. Well, I want to live forever, too! But the Mayan calender says that the world is going to end in 2012. Chances are you aren’t going to die by then. I say four more years… of smoking. If we don’t die or begin a seven years of apocolypse, then maybe quitting will be a good idea.
2) Drink Less
Well, how long have you been doing it? It is important to evaluate the severity of your problem. When you’re young it’s cute to get loaded and make bad decisions in general, right? I say drink up til you’re about 26. That gives you four years to get your shit together by the time you’re 30. And then, you can still drink on weekends! Once you get knocked up or vice versa is also a good time to slow down. If you’re 45, and don’t remember the last 15 years, then drink more this year! You probably don’t have much to live for anyway.
3) Lose Weight
So, you’re fat. Or, you aren’t fat, but you think you are. Or, you have gained a couple extra pounds. Or, you’re anorexic. Okay, do it. Whatever. Excercise makes you feel better, and makes jacking off in the mirror more appealing. Eating totally healthy, however, is bullshit. You only live life once. What do you really have to live for? Procreation and making money? That’s bullshit. Eat all the food you want when you can. It makes life worth living. I’m a firm believer in fried chicken three times a week. If you’ve got a fat problem, then excercise. Really, I can’t emphasize this enough.
4) Reduce Stress
Apparently, I’m not the only one who lives in a world that is constantly demanding things from me, and who feels like I’m being suffocated on a daily basis with no escape. Apparently, I’m not the only one who worries that if I don’t make enough money, I’m going to die poor and alone. I suggest yoga. If that doesn’t work, take a deep breath now and then. If that doesn’t work, just fucking learn to deal with it. Or, you can go bald, and have a heart attack. Those are your options.
5) Save Money
If you make enough money to be able to smoke, drink, eat what you want, have a gym membership, and still have money left over… well, by all means, I think buying a house, or saving for vacation are both important. Or, save it for a rainy day, or for when you lose your girlfriend and your job, and have to drink for two months straight. Take care of yourself, and the things that you need. Yeah, why not?
6) Pay off debt
Debt is one of the reasons you’ll never be able to save money. Did you know that the average household is ($$$ blah blah blah) in debt. That’s a lot. Maybe paying off debt sounds unreasonable when you are struggling just to pay rent. But if you think you can pay off your shit, go for it. If you can’t, but would like to, make baby steps. If you know that it’s impossible, well, fuck it. What are they going to do? Give you bad credit? You’re already broke, it’s not like you’re going to be able to ever buy anything anyway.
7) Stop being a bitch
I’m not sure this is a popular resolution, but I suggest it be added to most people’s lists.
Editor’s note: Miles Laird was Sophie Zine’s first critic… well, sort of. He left us this comment on myspace just over a year ago. I thought it seemed liked a fitting ending to this “assessment.”