The Tale of the Tricked-Out Tongue
What in the wide, wide world of sports did I do to deserve this affliction? I’m pretty sure I never asked for it, but I’m quite literally stuck with it.
According to everyone’s favorite online resource, Wikipedia, ankyloglossia, or the “tongue tie,” is a “congenital oral anomaly which may decrease mobility of the tongue tip and is caused by an unusually short, thick lingual frenulum, a membrane connecting the underside of the tongue to the floor of the mouth.” In English, it’s this really cool thing where your tongue is attached to the bottom of your mouth.
Now this plight can vary in degrees of severity. Sometimes, you can just have a little bit of tongue held back by excess membrane, which still allows decent mobility. However, I was fortunate enough to get the whole enchilada, the whole shebang. What I mean by this is that the very tip of my tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth. I cannot stick my tongue out; it just tries to protrude from my big mouth only to end up looking like a mangled fruit roll-up.
When I show people this freak show going on in my mouth, they instantly feel sorry for me. They keep asking me to show them my tongue, and then they pepper me with comments like, “That’s so BIZARRE,” “How do you talk?” or even my personal favorite, “Can you even French kiss a girl?”
My kissing is perfectly satisfactory, thank you. And so it is, my friends, that I’m writing this article not to inform you of how awful this disease is, but to inform you of how AWESOME it is.
For starters, I can eat and talk just fine. Sometimes I’ll trip over words, but I think that may be my brain moving too fast for my mouth. Or vice versa.
Secondly, this tongue has been used in many instances to help me gross people out whose company I don’t particularly enjoy. There’s a small hole under my tongue where membrane did not develop, which is just perfect for passing a straw or pencil through. It’s like a hidden natural defense mechanism that will totally kick your ass, or at least, gross your ass out.
And finally, in college I realized that this tongue serves as an excellent party trick or conversation piece. I show my tongue to one person, they bring their friends, who in turn bring more people, and then it’s a party. I have yet to try this in a public place for fear of being arrested for causing a public disturbance.
So my friends, if you ever find another person afflicted with ankyloglossia, do not mourn for them. You are now aware of the perks. Instead, let’s take this moment as another oppurtunity to say, “You learn something new every day!”