Three things you should know (Summer edition)
Oh our dear friend has arrived: Summer has come to rescue us from the constraints of jeans and unflattering sweaters. When summer comes around, my life is my own, and I am sure you can agree that you feel like summer holds the key to reclaiming your life.
And as much as you would like to work on the almighty project of “discovering one’s self,” you are distracted by the lovely elements of summer. As the humid air brings out young hormones, the body wants to interact with the opposite sex, and the mind wants a vacation from its usual course.
Can you really blame the mind? I mean, it probably just spent the majority of the year wanting to shut off due to stress. If you are in college, your mind has probably been under a joint custody contract; a portion of your mind has belonged to the idiotic staff and policies of your university, and what was left has been, of course, under ownership of your wondering imagination.
Summer must be the season of clarity and purpose. You are given a chance at freedom, a chance to become whatever the hell you would like. But wait! Sit your pale winter ass down this moment. There is very little time to waste. Summer will begin to waste away the second you finish this article, so let me stop my blabbering, and get down to business.
Don’t start out your summer falling victim to the combo of your same old thinking under the curse of the summer heat. Instead, grab a fresh perspective, a cold drink, begin this season with the feeling of empowerment, and read the following:
1. You just found out now, that you are a celebrity. Wow!
What is fame? That tadpole in the pond on the corner of Berry and Pinkerton. Let us not forget the famous spider in your attic, and of couse, that A-list sparrow in the tree outside your window.
Celebrity does not exist! It is an imaginary load of shit we made up to prolong the philosophy that a monarchy exists within the human race.
Every time we get involved in the pastime of obsessing over the elite chosen ones, we accept ourselves as less important peons working the land.
We are all equally important and fantastically amusing. However, because we are people that value power, we like to hold “celebrities” up on pedestals. This way, we all have something to poke and prod at. We all have collections of human examples to envy and attempt to emulate.
The second you tuned into E! News and watch in amazement at the life of some random person on television, you’ve created a demand for celebrity. You funded a market of billions of dollars, and you’ve agreed to push the movement forward. Don’t sweat it, life is too short to beat yourself up for simply being normal.
Instead, realize that you are seriously amazing. It will be really amusing when you shave your head, and it will be even more important when you go to jail. No, wait you probably won’t do these things because you have class. You will do amazing things in life, and you will snap a mental photo of what that looked like.
If I ever become famous for whatever random reason, I am going to ask the people that ask for my autograph to give me theirs instead.
2. Cheap drinks and booze help fight the summertime blues.
This summer you must STOP spending so much money at the damn bar. An easy way to combat this problem is to plan out what you would like to spend when you go out at night.
My budget is usually $10 to $15. However, I am the cheapest person ever, so your limit will likely be $20 or more. Take everything out of your wallet, and just put the dollar amount you would like to spend inside it. This way you do not spend just because the cash is sitting in your wallet.
This also keeps you from losing money and from drinking too much. There’s always that person that gets drunk and starts buying everyone else drinks. (By the way, I hope the person who likes to do this, doesn’t actually read this article, because I still want them to buy me a drink.)
Also, take out your credit cards and excess contents from your wallet, that way you stand to lose nothing on a wild night of dancing. I generally leave my cell phone in the car, that way I can’t lose it. I have found that I am rarely placing calls to my friends while surrounded by bar noise anyway.
I also make my own coffee at home rather than venturing to Starbucks on a daily basis. I set the maker to brew in the morning, and I wake up to hot, cheap coffee. I put it in a mug with a hint of vanilla soy milk and sweetener. It tastes pretty damn close to the best latte, and it’s all I really need to get going. I’m sure I save hundreds a year by doing this. Coffee is ground beans, not spun gold; it is highly overpriced, and it is not worth the whole in your wallet. I only suggest going to such places as Starbucks every once in a while when you feel like splurging.
3. Men are not to blame, you’re just acting lame.
Seriously, you can buy tissues (at Sam’s Club in bulk if you would like to continue saving money), if you want to cry with ease. Or you can just stop your whining.
Men are not disgusting self consumed idiots who suck at life. However, millions of Americans are. That’s right, I said it: Both sexes suck at most things. We are bouncing around with confused, hurting souls, and we are making a dirty mess with every move.
Sure, perhaps the creatures with the penis dangling between their legs seem to be the culprit of your personal problems, but this is not to be generalized to the entire sex. Men will treat you however you want to be treated.
We, as women, set the standard by which we expect men to act. When you slip up, you unfortunately lower the standard by which the man has to perform to be with you. The second you pick up that 3 a.m drunk dial, you have just said: “Hi, I am Sussie, and I pick up 3 a.m. calls because I don’t value myself one bit.”
When you are caught off guard and vulnerable in life, you are at risk for getting hurt. For example, if you show up at a car dealership completely clueless about the car you would like to purchase, there is a good chance you will get taken advantage of. This goes the same for your relationships with people. Learn your product, know your shit and come to the relationship knowing what you expect to get out of the transaction. Don’t settle for anything less than this standard. PERIOD.